So... What's Up?

Mini Blog

9/11/24 @ 3:30pm

So I finally got back to working on this. I took a break and got done what I needed to. Now I can sorta just focus on this for a little bit.

Well, not really as much as I'd like. There are still other things I need to focus on. But my god have I been out of it. I don't even know what's going on.

I mean, I think I have an idea. I was having issues with my adhd medication. It stopped working and was just making be feel numb and dead all the time. It was doing more damage than helping in any way.

I tried talking with my doctor, but idk. I might make a full blog post ranting about all this. I also removed the old blog section cause I want to keep my old blog posts or more professional guide blog posts on my other website and just add new ones here.

Anyway, I think imma make a more full blog post talking about everything going on and how I've been feeling, cause it's kinda been a pain. Signing off ~

9/7/24 @ 8:50pm

Good news, I got almost everything for the end of this term done! I was able to focus for a little bit. But it feels like the days just disappear lately. I really want to start waking up sooner.

Also, if anyone has any suggestions for ways I can embed like a mini blog feed or something, or what to use, that would be awesome. I'm signing up for status.cafe for the statuses bar since I like it more than the imoods thing. And I can be more detailed.

But I want a mini blog for this sidebar section of the website. I heard of smol.pub, but I'm not sure if that's really for what I want. Cause I want to make tiny little statuses like these where I talk to myself, so it wouldn't really be whole entire blog posts. Just little blurbs? idk lol.

Anyway, I just found Spacehey and have been having a lot of fun with it. I treid to theme it after my website a bit. But there's a lot of people on there with a lot of stuff going on so it's a bit overwhelming idk. I will see how I like it.

9/7/24 @ 2:00pm

I told myself I wouldn't hyperfixate on this today and I'd get work done, but here we are lol.

I mean I'm not entirely surprised. I've never had the best control over it. It feels more like obsession rather than hyperfixation, but I guess that's how it can feel when it gets to be a lot.

I just really love making this thing. It's the first time I've made a website I felt this proud of. I've always dreamed of doing web development and actually being able to make something like this, but I had kinda given up on being able to do that at some point.

There's still a lot I need to do, but I really do have to do at least some sort of work today. I really hope I can get myself to focus on what I need to do. Signing off ~

9/7/2024 @ like midnight

Adding a sidebar here. I don't think this is going to be what it stays as, but for now this will be my braindump spot. The updates section will be just little bits when I actually change something on the site. Maybe change it over to taking github pushes? I'll have to figure that out.

Today I did a lot. I switched over to atabook for my guestbook stuff. I also changed my chatbox to be dark like the rest of my theme. I was thinking it, but someone pointed it out so I figured I'd just go ahead and do it.

I also want to add more buttons and blinkies. There's just a hundred bajillion things I want to do. Plus I have school work I've put off all week that I probably could've had done by now ;-;

It's pretty late right now and I got literally nothing done today other than this :) I'm going to try to turn my brain off. Signing off ~

So... What's Up?

That's... a question. One that I've been struggling to answer authentically. My mind feels clearer than it has for a while, but it's not something new.

Every year I slowly fall into a dissociative state where things don't really feel entirely real. Not that I'm consciously aware of it, but I'll have a few moments throughout the year where I feel like I've woken up from a very long dream.

I went through probably the most obsessive spurt I've gone through in a while. Whatever it is, it's like my attention can only ever be on this one thing. Nothing else matters. But once I moved away from that, it's like I've opened my eyes to this world I suddenly find myself in at 23 years old.

I am overweight, out of shape, and unhealthy. I live with no passion or drive, I go day by day just floating. The reality I find myself in is not one that I particularly like. However, this has been the case since 2020. Nothing has changed, I just keep having these moments of revelation where I see where I am... and I don't like it.

So, I'm doing it again. I'm trying to change it. I'm trying to control it and fix it. I keep attempting this climb over and over and over and over and what has it done? Aside from me continually falling back down even further than the last time. The impact hurting even more, but that's because each time I've climb a little closer to the top.

That bit of hope, the bit of me seeing myself get closer and closer to the life I want, it makes me want to keep trying. I don't really know what it is, maybe stupidity, maybe insanity, maybe a bit of it all, but I want to live. I want to try. I want to love myself and take care of the body I was given and help it carry me through my life the best it can.

So, I guess that's what I'll do. I'll keep trying. I'll keep being cheesy and weird and I will love myself all the while. There is no life I would rather live than mine. I may hate myself sometimes, I may wish I were anyone else, but I do love the life I live, regarless of how much it hurts me sometimes.

But no one really cares all that much. I'll do it with my mouth shut and eyes to the ground like I do everything else. Maybe some day I will value myself enough to not stand the treatment, but all I want right now is to make myself better and live better.

This all may be a manic episode, this all may be temporary, but I'm grateful for the time I get with this.

My crazy ass signing off~

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So... What's Up?